Four Dilemmas and a Funeral

For an online literature course I wrote an essay on William Faulkner's short story 'Barn Burning', which I titled 'The Flaming Dilemma: A Sarty Snopes Adventure'. After submitting the essay, which included a particularly clever movie title pun relating to the short story, the teacher sent back the following message:

Message no. 398
Author: [Redacted]
Date: Wednesday, April 12, 2006 2:10pm


Jesse, your essay sent me searching for the source of your comment that
Faulkner's original title for "Barn Burning" was "Four Dilemmas and a Funeral"
because I take student comments literally. Apparently, you meant this to
be a funny reference to the wedding movie, but I almost missed the joke.


Next time, be sure that you clarify your intentions when you write
something that is a bit unusual like that.

Naturally my first reaction was of complete shock. But after placing a cool wet towel on my forehead for approximately 15 minutes, I was able to slip out of beligerrence just long enough to type this response --

Message no. 399

Author: JESSE ALKIRE

Date: Friday, April 14, 2006 4:34pm

Thank you very much, Joyce. I thought the idea that a Faulkner novel

being named after a Hugh Grant movie was too silly to leave out, but

I'll try and watch those zany comments from now on.

Now obviously I crossed a line with that essay. To intentionally trick a college-level literature teacher into thinking famous American author William Faulkner originally titled his 1939 short story as a parody of the 1994 Hugh Grant romantic comedy is an abhorrent thing to do.

And not only did I mislead my teacher, but it caused the class a great delay. Let's focus in on the last paragraph --

Message no. 391

Author: [Redacted]

Date: Wednesday, April 12, 2006 2:25pm

I was hoping to complete the grading of all your essays today, but have to

leave for a class now, and will begin again early tomorrow (Thursday)

afternoon, to read the essays by Sadie and Jessy, when I can give you my

full attention.

Sometimes, it takes me much longer to grade papers because I have to
check sources and some of the details students put into papers... like that
mysterious title (non)- change of "Barn Burning"

My joke would not stop until it ruined everyone's life it came in contact with. I imagined her now topsy-turvy life after my joke had caused her extra stress when grading essays and thrown her whole world into complete disarray. The long, sleepless nights she spent pondering the ridiculous, yet apparently plausible theories I proposed -- "How could Faulkner title his short story after a Hugh Grant movie that was released some 55 years after his story was written? Was William Faulkner a time-traveler? Was he also responsible for writing 'Love Actually'? I really enjoyed 'Love Actually'!" -- obsessively Googling the keywords "william faulkner hugh grant title connection," over and over again, expecting to find the non-existant IMDB page that would prove her right and put an end to the weeks of anxiety she must have been living through. Her husband and children gone, her teaching job a distant memory, the long days now spent constantly watching and re-watching Four Weddings and a Funeral for a clue, any type of hint at all. Only to then realize the dark truth behind it all -- that I had intented the incredulous comment to be thought of as 'humor.'

There was only one way to begin to make up for all the hurt my words had caused to so many innocent people -- apologize.

Message no. 392

Author: JESSE ALKIRE

Date: Friday, April 14, 2006 4:36pm

Well I guess I owe the whole class an apology.

Rarely do my quips delay classroom grading. They usually just delay

in-class discussion...

I promise, no more references to the careers of William Faulkner and

Hugh Grant.

I never heard back from the teacher after that. While it's most likely she quickly moved on from the whole ordeal and continued teaching the online class while I stopped participating and probably failed the course altogether, it's even more likely that she's an idiot.