I regret to inform you that I will have to cancel my membership with your establishment. I was told that instead of simply phoning you, that I must in fact send a letter and my membership will be canceled within 45 days of your receiving it. You’re probably asking yourself, “Why does this man seem so disgruntled? Don’t I own one of the best gyms in the midwest?” No. You don’t. For several reasons, all of which will be explained by your personal assistant Andre, who is reading this letter aloud to you right now. The list is as follows:
- There is clearly a flaw in the agreement we had together. An agreement where in exchange for my sweet American dollars, you would provide me with a plethora of services. Not only did you keep charging me for services not rendered, you upped my rate. Not to be too direct, but that’s sort of what Hitler did to the Jews.
- Also, I was once escorted out of the building for trying to pick up women at one of your pre-natal yoga classes. You told me it was inappropriate, but I could tell a few of them were into it.
- And another thing, you claim to listen to your gym patrons, but I was repeatedly ignored when requesting a segregated swimming pool.
I hope you use all of the free money I sent you to buy better equipment and hire a less-gay staff. Please consider this my official cancellation notice. I wish you luck on all your future endeavors. Watch your back.
Sincerely yours,
Jacob Dunnington