In the midst of World War II, deep in the heart of the Cradle of Civilization, there lied an ancient relic, hunted by many but guarded by few. Acting on information obtained from an interrogation, a secret group of Allied soldiers had searched for weeks through hallowed halls of historic pasts, in a race against the greatest evil the world had ever seen. The antiquated object was sought by the Allied forces, if not for themselves, then to keep the relic's storied power from reaching the hands of the anti-Christ incarnate, the leader of the evil Axis powers. What the opposing powers were after was said to the ultimate power, created by the Lord on High, in the Earth's earliest days, and then kept hidden from mankind... until now.
It is said that on the 7th day, the Lord rested. However, it is not said what the Lord did later that afternoon of the 7th day after having slept in. What the Bible will not tell you, having been censored by Pope Kyle in 400 AD, is that the Lord God spent that 7th day afternoon and evening writing, blocking, casting, shooting, and editing the primate-themed family comedy, 'Dunston Checks In'.
Having been the greatest single achievement in cinema so far, and one of God's original creations, the earliest of man sought to protect this work and keep it shielded from mankind until the human collective could understand and appreciate the holiest of holy creations. And so it was hidden, throughout the centuries.
In late 1995, an American film director in Hollywood, CA was on the last legs of a less than illustrious career. A life frought with commercials for Crystal Pepsi and Nickelodeon's Gak, he hoped to get one last chance to leave his mark on the film industry and humanity before he gave up his career and returned to his hometown of Rapid City, Iowa that Christmas.
January 1996 was a hard time for one American film studio. Several films had shown less than stellar sales figures for 1995, and the slate of scripts set to be filmed for 1996 offered little in the way of hope. What this film studio needed was one last chance, a monumental piece of cinema that would get them back on top of the industry game... and in that month of January 1996, it would be a funeral that initiated the lowly studio's great re-birth.
Larry Snyder had led a fruitful life. He had fought in World War II as part of a secret Allied coalition, and while he provided little in the way of details to his coworkers, rumors always swirled around the film studio he had worked at during his years after returning from Europe, rumors that Larry would laugh off with a dentured smile... until the day of his death. Larry Snyder died one week from Christmas in 1995, and the film studio where he had worked for so long, held a wake in his honor six days later. While the funeral had left the studio employees understandably sullen, the studio head had reason to replace his sorrow with confusion tinged excitement -- Larry had left him a note that, with it's scribbled handwriting and antiquated turns of phrase, would change the studio and the world forever.
In the note, Larry detailed explicit instructions for finding a long lost treasure, originally created before anything and everything, unearthed during World War II, and hidden away from humanity again in a secret military vault hidden in the midwestern field of Iowa, only to be released upon the death of the last remaining protector of the relic. With the details in hand and the determination of a renewed soul, the studio head knew all he needed now was the perfect director... and he knew of the perfect choice, who just so happened to be headed directly towards the secret location of the ancient relic that these two were so obviously meant to find.
The object before him glowed a thousand Iowan sunsets. The director could hardly believe the story he heard from the studio head while driving down I-80, ready to give up his Hollywood dreams for Rapid City streams. The whole idea was too good to be true, he said, the story and relic too fantastical, yet here it lay before him. The studio head was right. Larry Snyder was right. The rumors about him were true. It was all true. And now the director could take the ancient relic, the holiest of holies, and make his triumphant return to the west coast and show that everything he believed about himself to be true. He will succeed. Everyone will now see.
And so the studio released the film and the director earned his accolades. Audiences across the continents were dazzled; they adored the film's majestic plot, the family friendly themes, and the monkey's various funny faces. And even though he wasn't the Lord's original casting choice, Jason Alexander did a serviceable job in his role.
