Nick of Time (1995)
Johnny Depp, Christopher Walken
1/5 stars
Kady was running around the apartment doing dishes, hastily trying to clean up before we retired to the couch for the rest of the evening. She finally managed to sit down, just in the nick of time, right as I began the night's film... boy was she upset when she realized we were watching Nick of Time.
2012 (2009)
John Cusack, Amanda Peet
2/5 stars
Despite the very real and plausible impending doom that is almost assuredly going to hit the Earth planet in the month of December, year 2012, this movie featured several implausible occurrences and disappointingly unrealistic characters.
First off, a black president? In your dreams, Hollywood. Second, where were the subtitles? There were Russian characters, Asian and European characters, Danny Glover -- how am I supposed to follow along, Hollywood? And where were the dinosaurs? Come on, Hollywood. And also, where were the Joan Cusacks? Hollywood? Come. On.
Alas, my favorite part of the movie was that time when the stepdad/plastic surgeon said he couldn't fly a plane.
Live Free or Die Hard (2007)
Bruce Willis, Justin Long
2/5 stars
I tend to live free and die hard myself, so when I heard about this movie I thought it would be something that I could relate to.
In this movie, things blow up -- a lot. But throughout all those explosions, the main characters seem to avoid dying hard. For the most part, Bruce Willis tends to live pretty free, although the times he should have died (hard) he instead kept on living (hard). By my count, Bruce should have died twenty-seven times and died hard thirteen times.
So do you want realism or do you want explosions? Well, that's for you to decide. Oh, and at some point he flies a jet on a highway, so there's that to consider.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf
1/5 stars
"Indiana Jones and the Search for More Money"
That was the working title for this movie, up until they threw in all that stuff about aliens at the last minute and re-named it "Kingdom of the Crystal Meth" or whatever it was. To tell you the truth, I can't remember much about the movie because, to me, this movie never came out, I never saw it, and it never tarnished the trilogy.
After hearing George Lucas say the movie would hearken back to the days of the trilogy and their sparse use of CGI special effects, I was surprised! Then I went and saw the movie, and I was surprised! Roughly 100% of that movie was comprised of CGI special effects. In fact, I have a hunch that some of Harrison Ford's scenes were shot with him at home in bed, then he was superimposed onto the back of a Jeep fighting Russians in South America. It reminds me of the old Hollywood adage -- when the story lacks, special effacts!
So, the movie was fake, Kady had no opinion, the 11 year olds in the audience loved it, and I'm wiping it from my memory. Sounds like my trip to go see "Big Momma's House 2".
Walk the Line (2005)
Joaquin Phoenix, Reese Witherspoon
1/5 stars
Although
it featured a great performance by Joaquin Phoenix, I just can't get
into a movie about a drugged up drunken country singer. I go to the
movies to escape reality, not be reminded of my own life...
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis
2/5 stars
It's not that this movie is bad, it's just that it wasn't really bad. Make sense? Yeah, well neither did this movie!
Did I laugh? Yes, occasionally. Did Kady laugh? Only every other line. What does that tell us? This movie is for girls and mentally retarded people (Kady isn't necessarily both of those, but she certainly is considered one of those).
The film mostly suffered from a slow pace, which made it feel about forty minutes longer than it really was. Not only did it drag, but it drug it's way to a bad ending -- that's like Kady promising me Chipotle, then after waiting patiently all day she instead sits me down and breaks the news to me that she's mentally retarded.
Jason Segal was decent, while Bill Hader, Jonah Hill, Jack McBrayer, and Paul Rudd stole the movie with their respective smaller parts.
Also, if you find Kristen Bell attractive, then you're forgetting what a real woman looks like. She looks like a twelve year old boy with abnormally nice abs. If I were the main character, I could easily forget Sarah Marshall (A pun that was not used once in the movie, by the by -- MISSED OPPORTUNITY).
Cloverfield (2008)
Monster
5/5 stars
Whoooooaaaaaaaa!
No Country for Old Men (2007)
Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin
3/5 stars
So... who was the main character here? The dude who found the
money, Tommy Lee Jones, or the ugly woman who murdered all those people
with the compressed air gun?
Thanks to the cool
cinematography, the exciting "chase scenes", and the great southern
accents -- all playing in front of a background devoid of music -- we
were able to hang with this movie almost all the way through. But then
the dude who found the money dies off camera and Tommy Lee Jones ends
the movie by telling us what he dreamed about last night -- kind of a
buzzkill, huh?
If I'm producer, here's my ending --
Tommy Lee Jones and that ugly woman with the air gun face off IN TOMMY'S
DREAMS and it somehow ends with Tommy holding the air gun to that
lady's head and uttering the film's final line of dialogue, "This is no
country for ugly, funky, old women... mother funker". Then cut to the
credits with The Beatles' "Back In the USSR" playing (An homage to a country for old men).
Amelie (2001)
French Woman, a Baguette, Frenched Fries
1/5 stars
Kady loved it... and that's never a good sign for Jesse. This movie was severely lacking female nudity and/or a car chase -- nice try, France!
